Let me explain.
Working with The Banana Man isn’t easy. I love everything in excess. I will push extremes to new heights because Linda in HR said I can’t. So what if the employee health plan “iSn’T LeGAl”?
That’s what started the whole mess. In a fit of cocaine induced euphoria last New Years Eve, I promised Christmas bonuses for all employees next year. It felt good to see all the positive reactions in Slack. But that feeling faded when the reality of the cost set in like a bitter wind.
Our controller had burst through the door to my office that day. Sweat pouring from his face and eyes set ablaze with panic. I felt myself grow numb as he shouted numbers and shoved the scribbled graphs in my face. It took me a long time to come to terms with the truth. Our annual Vegas Trip would shorten to five days and each exec would have to ration their hookers to two a night.
“THIS WILL RUIN US!”
I’m not quitter. I don’t lie down in times like these. Rather, I welcome them. That’s how I ended up meeting with HR to revise the employee health plan.
“I understand what you’re saying Mr. Banana, sir. But we can’t give the employees a fake plan and pocket their cash. It’s too risky! Why don’t we downsize and redistribute the work like everyone else?”
“So short-sighted.”
Elbows on the table I rubbed my temples. “We make way more money in the long-term this way, Linda. Even if we do get caught, it’ll be long enough down the road that we’ll still come out on top.” I waved my hand vaguely. “We’ll pay a fine and settle a few lawsuits.”
“Okay, well… I guess I don’t understand how they’ll use the insurance.”
I sat back. “It’s simple. They won’t! We’ll set up a system to reject the claims. If they can’t pay, they’ll go to collections and then we can buy the debt ourselves. Too bad we can’t enforce something like making them work here as long as they have a debt. Legal is working on that.”
It was settled. And it worked as intended. The Vegas Trip was even better than last year’s and nobody went without.
Back to the employee. One of my middle managers Josh. He started taking a lot of time off. He even ended up questioning the new health plan as it wasn’t covering a treatment that he needed to live.
We explained that our hands were tied. This year’s Vegas Trip had set higher expectations for next year and we could not afford a different plan. Some of the higher ups worried he’d blow it all open, but I reassured them,
“He’s bald. No one will listen to him.”
Later, he stopped coming in and HR processed him through the termination pipeline. Dying isn’t an excuse. He got sick and fired because he was weak! I never took a day off in my life!
Anyways, we replaced him with my snake plant George and it’s been working out great. Josh took up space and used my oxygen. Not to mention we had to pay him to be here. George never leaves his desk and PRODUCES oxygen albiet in trace amounts. For free!
Still, our PR department thought it would be a good idea to memorialize Josh somehow. So we had license plates made with his face on it and started a fund for the Vegas Trip in his name.
Things are looking up and forward in 2022!
Happy Holidays and Dog Bless!
